Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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