You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I think we might need a safe word for this...
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
