if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
