I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
