my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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