The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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