I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
you never un-have a 4some
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
