I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
