I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
