What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
