They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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