I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Someone shattered a urinal.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
