you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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