I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
