The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
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