She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
