Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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