Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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