Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
