On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Congratulations! We have a period
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