I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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