I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
