Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
