he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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