the condom got lost in my hair
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
