And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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