Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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