Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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