we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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