She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
