This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
