so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
