First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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