true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
