I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
