How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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