I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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