So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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