Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
