I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
