accomplished twins. life is a go
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
