Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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