one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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