He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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