I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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