Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
