So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
