I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
