i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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