just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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