She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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