smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize