my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
