i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
