I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
handjob tips. give me some.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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