I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
