Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize