My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
