You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
