After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
